Java's Bad

Ah, Java. A programming language that every high school class insists is the holy grail of coding. Forget about other languages, because compared to Java, they are slow and poorly typed. If you are not using Java, you aren’t really coding.

The Majesty of Verbosity

One of Java's most impressive feats is the ability to make everything take ten to fifteen times longer to write. Why write a single, neat line of code in Python, when you could stretch it into a 25-minute production, complete with a builder, factory, an abstract factory, and a singleton? If you wanted to read a file in Java, why do something easy like open(file), when you could have a glorious stack of BufferedReaders and FileReaders?

The Obsession with Object-Oriented Overkill

Java's slavish devotion to object-oriented programming is almost inspiring. Need to write a simple utility function? Well, in Java, that's just not happening unless it's buried deep inside a utility class, wrapped in static methods, never to be touched or instantiated by anyone ever. Because, of course, keeping things unnecessarily complicated is exactly what we need to promote. Using Java is always a fun game of "how much abstraction can we add to this simple task?"

The Type System: A Comedy of Errors

And the wonderful type system. Oddly flexible for a statically typed language, and sometimes just ignored! Primitive types aren't objects, unless they are, and we can throw in autoboxing just to confuse! Generics are erased at runtime, because why would you want your code to make sense? A List<String> and a List<Integer> are exactly the same in the eyes of the JVM.

Dependency Management, aka "Good Luck!"

Dependency management? No. You could use something like Maven and Gradle, but then you have to learn an entirely separate build system just to include a simple package. And, if you want to find it, be prepared to index through 13-15 layers of com.XYZ. Want to spend hours trying to figure out which dependency is breaking your build? Java's got you covered. Because nothing says "developer joy" like wading through layers of opaque error messages related to a package that hasn’t been maintained since 2014.

The Overengineered Wonderland of Frameworks

And let's talk about frameworks. Java is the land of overengineering, where complexity reigns supreme. Take Spring, for example. A framework so bloated that you'd need a PhD in Springology just to get past the basics. Classes with names like AbstractSingletonProxyFactoryBean? A real class name that is supposedly a “convenient superclass for FactoryBean type.” Yes, please. Clearly, what the world really needs is more convoluted names and more layers of indirection to make simple things impossibly difficult.

Defending Java (Kind of)

Java does have some redeeming qualities. Not the language itself, but Oracle has done a pretty good job with the JVM, which is a miracle of engineering and deserves its own post explaining what makes it so impressive, and maintaining backwards compatibility. The Java ecosystem itself is also massive--so massive, in fact, that it's practically an ancient relic now--but at least it’s stable and documented. It's perfect for enterprise applications where a whole bunch of people who don't know what they're doing can work on the same codebase. I guess that's something. Maybe.

The Real Problem: Java's Monoculture

My issue with Java isn't only with the language, but the culture surrounding it. The fact that it's shoved into our faces in every high school course not focused on web development, and required for the AP exam, as if it's the only tool in the shed. I know a number of people who gave up programming entirely due to the overly verbose syntax of Java. It's taught like it is the only programming language, and many students see it that way. But why bother with other languages when you can be stuck in the Java ecosystem forever? Python, JavaScript, Rust--they all exist, but who cares? Let's ignore that each language has its own strengths and uses. No, let's just focus on Java, the almighty savior of all coding problems.

Conclusion

My beef with Java isn't that it's objectively terrible (though, let's be real, it is), because there are plenty of terrible languages (Elixer, C#) it's the dogma that it's the only language worth learning. As developers, we should be as fluent in as many languages as possible. So, next time someone tells you Java is the only language you'll ever need, just smile and nod, knowing the programming world is way bigger than the Java cult would have you believe. Each language is just a tool, and you can use different tools for different jobs. Java, however, is the tool that insists you read a 500-page manual before you can even pick it up--only to realize it's just a hammer wrapped in layers of unnecessary abstraction.